


Don't Know How to Say How I Feel

by Cacoco



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Endgame Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-03-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:00:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23194360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cacoco/pseuds/Cacoco
Summary: Bellarke Fic, friends to more progress, some fluff; Rewrite after Jaha and Kane find the bunker and Clarke returns with Roan from Becca's Lab to see the bunker.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Kudos: 27





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First time ever doing this...Here goes nothing.

Clarke walked through the dark temple in Polis and down the winding walk way into the bunker. Once her eyes adjusted she saw him, standing there extremely still as if he weren’t breathing. Their eyes met. He smirked. She walked over slowly never losing eye contact, “Hi.”  
“Hi,” he replied. 

“Clarke”  
Niylah ran over and embraced Clarke in a soft tender hug. 

“Hi Niylah,” said Clarke hugging her back. 

“I’m so happy you are here,” she said as Clarke looked up at Bellamy who had never looked away. He smiled again. She smiled back. 

Raven followed, then Monty and as Clarke was greeted, Bellamy stayed standing nearby just watching her. 

Once everyone found something else to occupy themselves, Clarke made her way back over to him. 

“ I think we were at ‘Hi’,” she said. 

“I guess that’s better than our usual, ‘we need to talk’,” Bellamy replied. “How was Becca’s Lab?”

“Amazing, horrible…exhausting. I…We went to far,” she said as she look up at him. “I wish you were there.”

“Clarke, this isn’t all on you, you know,” he said softly and he put his hand on her arm. “You are not the only one responsible for figuring this out. You don’t have to bear it so they don’t have to. I’m here and I’ve been here the whole time.” 

“I know... I’m so sorry, Bellamy.”

“Why are you sorry?” 

“You’ve always stood by me, you stayed when I needed you to, you shared the decision making and I left, I left you to deal with it,” she said as tears welled in her eyes. “I couldn’t handle it and there you were willing to share that with me and I just walked away. And if we make it through this...”

“Clarke…” he interrupted. “I…You are here now and we’ll figure it out together,” he almost whispered. “We found this ‘lovely’ bunker and we will take each day at a time.”

Clarke smiled. 

\-----------------------------------  
Clarke and Bellamy had been out for almost 3 hours now searching for Octavia. They walked in silence but a comfortable silence. Every now and then he’d look up and catch her eye. He felt like if this wasn’t the end of the world, it would be a nice way to spend time with her, just hiking in the woods. 

“Wait,” Clarke said as she put her arm up across his chest to stop him. 

They both instinctively crouched down. 

Clarke pointed, “There over the ridge. It looks like a farm house.” 

“I see it. A farm house doesn’t really seem like O’s style but she could be there,” Bellamy replied with his dry tone. 

“What’s your style of house?”

“I’m more of a log cabin type of guy myself. I think you’d be in a fancy little castle house with a white picket fence, you know, something fit for a princess?”

Clarke elbowed him with the smallest of smiles on her face....   
“Come on, let’s go check it out.”

They sat on the edge of the woods a while looking for any movement or sign of people. There was nothing for a good 20 minutes. 

They approached closer from the back of the house and hid next to each other under the closest window. Bellamy took a peek up through the window.

“There is no one inside,” he reported. 

“Let’s see if there’s any sign of her inside then,” said Clarke. 

The house was dark and dusty inside. If someone lived there, it was a long time ago. They looked all around for any sign of Octavia or any one but found nothing. Just as they made their way into the kitchen, a large black blob flew out of a cabinet at Clarke’s face. She jumped and grabbed Bellamy. 

Bellamy immediately started laughing as a black bird flew out the open door. Clarke looked up in time to see it exit and embarrassingly gave a little laugh at herself. 

“The Brave Wanheda, Commander of Death” snarked Bellamy as he looked down at her still holding on to his waist. 

“What ever,” Clarke replied as she slowly let go, looking up to meet his eyes. 

For a minute they just stood there, close and almost touching. Clarke has cared for Bellamy for a long time now, she’s not sure when it got this intense though. She looked away and said they better start heading back to beat sunset. They’d head out one last time to find O tomorrow, and they’d have the rover to help cover more ground. 

She started for the door. When Bellamy grabbed her wrist, she stopped dead in her tracks. She spun to look at him. 

“What if we can’t find her?” he started with an intensely sad look on his face. “What then? I can’t go into that bunker knowing I left her out here to die. I know I’m always saying she’s my responsibility but I can’t lose her. I can’t handle that.” Just like I couldn’t handle losing you, he thought to himself. 

Clarke moved closer and grabbed his other hand. She needed to tell him how special he to everyone, that he is needed, because he carries the weight of everything bad he’s ever done around with him just like she does and it’s crushing him. “You have done nothing but keep her… and me alive. We will find her. You didn’t fail her and you haven’t failed me. I’m still here mainly because of you and you know that. You think you don’t save people but you have. You’ve saved me”

He lifted his head to look at her. “How do you do that? How have you always seen more good in me than I’ve ever been able to see myself?”

“Because you showed a part of yourself to me and I shared a part of myself with you; The part that no one else really gets to see.” She takes a long pause to find the words, “You’re my best friend, Bellamy… maybe my only friend right now, but you know.” 

They both smiled at that and Bellamy gave her the tightest warmest hug and she hugged back. That is the place she has always felt the safest…in his embrace. 

Bellamy thought about the word best friend as he held her…Best friend. He’s never had that. It was only ever his mom and sister and some acquaintances on the Ark. Then the 100 came into his life and they made a make shift family of misfits, forced together by circumstance. And sure Clarke was part of that, but she had always been different. She’d always been more to him. She was right. She was the one person he truly showed all of himself to, maybe even more than he has shown to his sister, she was his best friend and he was glad to know he was hers. 

“Alright, enough of this, let’s go,” Bellamy said.


	2. Chapter 2

They made it back to Polis and the bunker in time for a makeshift dinner that was being served. Once they made it to the dinning hall, Clarke tapped his shoulder and met his eye to say goodbye and went to sit with Abby while he sat and talked with Monty. After a few days of being together again, they have seemed to fall back into that familiar zone. 

Just as the food line was thinning, Jonah from Trikru, a large intimidating figure, grabbed the last of what ever was being served. Clarke thought it looked like chicken but who knows. The man behind him, most likely Azgeda, started cursing at Jonah and yelling about Trikru scum eating all the food. The fight broke out immediately and of course Clarke watched in panic as Bellamy stepped right in the middle of it to break it up. 

Multiple people were punching and wrestling; it was an all out brawl. Clarke pulled her gun from her thigh and shot three rounds at the ceiling. The fighting ceased and everyone froze. As soon as it was quite, Marcus Kane began to speak and assured the people that more food would be out momentarily and that we needed to all work together, but his words drifted from Clarke’s ears as soon as she saw Bellamy attempting to walk out of the dinning hall clutching his side. 

She sprinted over to him just as he started to loose his stance. There was blood, and a lot of it. He met her eyes for a moment and then passed out, falling to the floor taking Clarke with him. 

“Help!! Mom! Jackson! ” Clarke screamed with tears in her eyes while trying to find where the bleeding was coming from. 

Jackson and Abby were there in an instant helping Clarke lift Bellamy to take him to the infirmary. They made sure to keep pressure on the wound as they finally made it to an empty hospital bed. 

Abby and Jackson went to work quickly, cutting off Bellamy’s shirt and examining if anything other than skin and flesh had been punctured. Clarke was relieved they were there because all she could do was hold his hand and pray to what ever being that he would be ok. She felt paralyzed in fear of loosing him. She told him once that she couldn’t loose him too after loosing so many of the hundred and having to kill Finn. When she said it then, she cared about him but also knew that she needed his strength and support. Now if she lost him, she’s not sure she’d be able to function. He gives her strength and support that she never knew she even needed. He gives her a shoulder to cry on. She can be weak and vulnerable in front of him, something she can’t even do in front of her own mother anymore. 

Clarke finally snapped out of her thoughts to her mother saying her name. 

“He’s going to be just fine. He lost a lot of blood but nothing important was hit and the cut wasn’t too deep. He also had a couple of minor cuts on his leg,” said Abby as she cleaned Bellamy’s blood off her hands. 

Clarke just nodded in understanding and looked back at Bellamy. He looked pale but peaceful. 

“Clarke. We should let him rest and you need rest. You can come check on him in the morning. There’s nothing else you can do for him right now.” Abby stared at her with that concerned motherly look. 

“I can stay with him. I can do that much,” replied Clarke with a defiant and serious face. After realizing her mother wasn’t the enemy she said, “Thank you for helping him,” to both Abby and Jackson. They took that as their cue to leave her. 

\-----------------------------  
Bellamy came to and took in his surroundings. The last thing he recalled, he was breaking up a fight in the dinning hall. Maybe there was a flash of something shinny, pain and blood and Clarkes face filled with fear. He’s not really sure. He slowly looked down to his right hand and there she was, asleep, holding his hand. 

He wondered if she’d been with him this whole time; however long that may have been.

She started to stir as he stared at her. She sleepily wiped her eyes and met his. 

“Hi,” he managed, his voice much scratcher than he anticipated. “How long was he out for?”

“Hey there.” She replied softly. “How are you feeling?” she asked as she scanned her eyes over him as if she’d be able to see his pain and where it was and fix it. 

“Oh you know, I’ve been worse,” he managed with a smile. He hoped it looked like a smile and not a wince at the searing pain coming from his side. 

“You scared the shit out of me.”

“Guess it was your turn to save my life,” he jabbed at her. 

“Yeah, well you don’t make it easy,” she jabbed back straight faced. “What were you thinking jumping in the middle of that?”

“I was trying to stop the situation from happening or at least minimize the damage.”

Clarke just tightened her mouth, “Can you sit up? Do you want to sit up?” 

He did. He attempted to push up but winced in pain. Clarke gently placed her hands on his sides under his arms and helped lift him a bit into a sitting position. Like most things, it was a team effort. 

“Do you care if I check your wounds? I may need to change your bandages,” she said. 

“Ok. Wait. Wounds? As in more that the one causing fire in my stomach?” Bellamy replied. 

“Yes. You had a few surface cuts on you leg as well.”

“Oh. I guess I don’t feel them due to the pain meds. How long was I out again?”

“About a day and half. You lost a lot of blood and the pain meds make you sleep,” Clarke said as she pulled the blanket off of him, all the way to his ankles. He felt completely exposed, and not because he was only in his boxers, but because he’s never been so vulnerable in front of her. 

Clarke checked his side first, slowly pulling away the bandage and making sure the wound was clean. He watched her as she worked, replacing the bandage gently and moving on to his legs. 

She froze as she glanced at the scar on his left thigh and it looked like she had tears in her eyes. She slowly moved her hand and traced the scar sending electricity through Bellamy’s body. The scar that he received during his failed attempt to rescue her from Roan. She looks lost in thought when he reaches out and puts his hand on top of her hand that is on his scar. Her teary eyes meet his. 

She just shakes her head and lowers it to her chest. He reaches out and lifts her head.

“Hey. No. That’s not your fault,” he says as he meets her eyes again. 

“I…I never want to cause you pain, or see you in pain…I…” She can’t finish. She’s not sure how to put into words the guilt she has over him sacrificing again and again for her. 

“You didn’t cause that. I did. I was reckless and anxious to get you back. And you don’t cause me pain. If anything you help me deal with the pain,” he tells her as he takes her hand off his leg and intertwines their fingers. 

She sadly smiles at him and lifts his hand so she can place a small kiss on it. She puts his hand back down at his side, lifts the blanket over him and tells him to get some rest. She’ll see him in a few hours.


	3. Chapter 3

Bellamy laid in his designated super ancient “bunk” and stared at the ceiling. He was cleared from the infirmary a couple days ago and actually wasn’t feeling too horrible. It hurt putting his shirt on and off but he’ll live. His mine was in full spin mode...He laid there thinking about the bunker and how secure it was. He thought about where the hell O could be. He thought about all the other bullshit fights he’d have break up between Azgeda, Trikru, and Skykru; or if a war would start in the bunker and they’d all kill each other any way. He thought about Clarke and how she was probably worrying about the same stuff. He thought about today with her and how nice it was even though the circumstances weren’t. Just having her by his side set him at ease and he knew she felt the same with him. They truly have become partners. He thought about when they were in the house last week, her smile, how she clung to him when she was startled, how he always wants to protect her. He thought about the first time he realized how wrapped up in her he actually was and how painful that was for him. He thought about how scared he is about the way he feels about her and how scared he is to let himself tell her that. 

“NO! NO! PLEASE!” 

Bellamy shot out of bed. What was that? 

He ran out of his room and into the hall. It was silent. He walked down a door to Clarke’s bunk. He leaned his head to the door and heard soft crying. 

He knocked gently, “Clarke?”

He opened the door and there she was sitting up in her bed with her knees wrapped up against her chest. 

Bellamy walked over slowly closing the door behind him. He sat at the end of the bed. 

“You ok?”

Clarke didn’t look up but shook her head. “Bad dream,” she mumbled. 

“I get them too,” he replied. “Why don’t we get you back in bed?” he said as he stood and gently laid her back down and pulled the cover over her. 

“Can you stay?” 

Bellamy froze. What does that mean? She’s really upset. Does she want me here or just want someone here? Does it matter, does he care? 

“Yeah, of course.”

He pulled up the chair in the corner and sat next to her bed. She looked up at him meeting his eyes, slid over and put her hand on the empty space on the bed. 

Bellamy stood, pulled back the blanket and got in bed next to her. His breathing was shallow and he felt like he’d die if he moved. He laid straight on his back and put his arms on his chest. He’s never felt like this, maybe once, with the first girl he’d ever kissed but that was when he was like 12. 

Clarke reached over and put her arm around his chest, which made him reach his left arm up and around her shoulders. She snuggled in. He took a breath and as he exhaled, all the tension disappeared. 

For the first time in a long time Clarke felt like she slept…really deep sleep slept. When she opened her eyes, she saw Bellamy and his messy hair and a small smile crept on to her face. He still had his arms around her when he started to stir. Clarke watched him as his eyes slowly blinked open and he stretched and looked at her. 

“Hey,” he said in a soft groggy morning voice. 

“Hey,” she replied. 

“I guess we should get up and save the world or something,” he said. 

“If we have to,” Clarke said smiling. 

He sat and then stood up, looked back over his shoulder at her and said, “I’ll see you on the outside?”

“See you on the outside.”

\-------------------------------  
Clarke met Bellamy outside the bunker. He was ready to go with his pack and rifle. 

“Ready?” she asked. 

“Always”

It looked like rain and they had their black rain tents but they also would be in the rover most of the time. Hopefully it held off and they’d pick up a lead on Octavia. 

They found a horse trail through a meadow not to far from Polis and decided to try on foot since it was too narrow for the rover. Just as they had reached the high end of the hill where the trees picked back up, it started to rain…Black Rain. They got the tent up quick and pulled off their clothes as it burned into their skin. They frantically rinsed off with the extra water bottles Bellamy brought. 

With their clothes in a pile in the corner of the tent and being soaking wet, they were freezing cold. Bellamy pulled out a small blanket and offered it to Clarke. 

“Here, it’s freezing.”

“Thanks,“ she said. 

Once she had the blanket, she scooted closer to him and put it over both of them, know if she had vocally objected to only her having the blanket, it would have been an argument. 

Bellamy froze, not from the cold but from being so close. Then he grabbed the blanket and put his arm around Clarke’s waist and pulled her closer. They sat like that and listened to the rain for a while. If it weren’t flesh-burning, death-causing rain, the moment might have been nice. 

Clarke’s hand on his chest felt like fire. Every time Bellamy moved his arm slightly, his hand would graze her thigh sending tiny sparks through him. As they sat there, Bellamy couldn’t help it any more. He turned and looked at Clarke who had her head on his bare chest. He lifted her chin and put his forehead on hers. He leaned in just the slightest bit so that their lips were basically touching and he kissed her, the lightest, gentlest kiss. He stared at her with caution before Clarke reached her hand up the back of his neck into his hair and pulled him into her to kiss him deep and long. 

Bellamy pulled back and stared at her. “Wait. What are we doing? I mean if we do this, I’m all in, completely 100% in and if you aren’t ready, I…I can wait, but I can’t do this if you’re not in this all the way, if this doesn’t mean the same thing for you as it does for me.”

“Bellamy, I want this, I’ve wanted this for longer than I let myself realize.”

Bellamy took Clarke’s face in his hands and studied her face and her eyes. He kissed her right cheek. She closed her eyes, then he kissed her left, then her forehead, then her nose; she smiled. Then he kissed her neck and let his hands slide down the side of her body. He kissed her chest, then all down her stomach to her belly button. He stopped and looked her in the eyes as she laid back and he continued down her body. He wanted to feel and learn every part of her and he wanted her to feel how much he loved her.


End file.
